TJ's Pensieve

Moral Imperative

2011-05-19T23:21:00.002-04:00

Wow, two posts in one month. I better be careful or this could become a habit.

Today I organized and ran a meeting of administrators and teachers focused on our school attendance policy. Several interesting things happened in this meeting.

For the first time in a long time I witnessed an honest discussion about how to handle some of the most frustrating issues. This isn't to say that there was not some eye-rolling and self righteous smirks, but for the most part there was a judgement free exchange of suggestions. I hope that the school becomes filled with these types of conversations. Teachers are so afraid to admit that they don't have complete control of the classroom and that they don't know how to handle some issues that we isolate ourselves. I feel deficient and instead of having a place to go to get help, I cut myself off so that others won't learn about my deficiency. No one has this entire teaching thing all figured out. We all struggle with engaging students in learning and managing the classroom/school environment. Let's stop pretending everything is good and that you are inferior if your students act out and you don't know how to deal with it. This job is too tough to make more problems for ourselves.

The other interesting event was an exchange of ideas that went an unexpected place. As we discussed the attendance policy, it sounded like we should punish kids so harshly that they do not want to be tardy. In doing this we are teaching them to be responsible by being on time to class. Maybe it is my subversive nature, but I can see students welcoming this policy. If you suspend me from school for being tardy and then not serving my detention, I win. I (the student) have now confirmed that you don't really want me at school because I am no good. I (the student) can now blame the school for making to so hard to get an education, "look you put me out for being late to class. How am I going to learn now?"
The idea of responsibility, respect, and values kept coming up. Statements were made like:
"Students don't value being in class on time"
"Students that are late have rationale reasons for being late. The reasons aren't rational to the teachers, but they make sense to the students and parents" (I'm not trying to be late, but I just got here. I have to go find X to get my folder and then I have to find Y to get my phone charger. Then I am going to go to class, I promise. )

It got to the point where it was said "that is the way their (meaning children of poverty) culture is" and we can't change that.

How disappointing. I am sure that this teacher did not fully mean what was said, but it is an easy trap to fall into. We need to create a school culture that prepares kids. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with the culture of the low-income, urban area around the school. It is a rich culture that I love. I loved it when a student taught me a "ghetto" word of the day to complete my "academic" word of the day. But I have to believe that most of the parents want something more for their kids than they have. If the parents don't want that, then our job as the school is still to prepare them to be as successful as they want to be. That means we prepare each kid as if he or she is going to college. That doesn't mean a student is a a failure if they don't go to college. It means that the school has failed the child if they want to go to college and find that they cannot.

Culture is a powerful force. The school has to create a culture within its walls that prepare kids for the next step. The school needs to be as clear about the facets of its culture as it is about the classes being taught. It is a tough job, but we (the whole society) needs it to be done and done well.

Highlights of my days

2011-05-05T00:06:00.003-04:00

Hearing Jaely wake up and see her running out of her room excited to start her day

Hearing Jaely ask "Wat we doin toda?" and "wats for dinne?"

Snuggling with Camryn after her late night bottle

Hearing Jaely "Papa, Papa, Papa" and jumping up and down when I pick her up

Watching Jaely smile at and "help" her little sister
Watching Camryn smile at her big sister

Waking Lindsey up on the couch to go to bed.

Watching Lindsey be a mom and a super-partner.

Everyday is a blessing. I need to remember that when I think I deserve something. I deserve many things and none of them are good. Thank God for His mercy and blessings.

Risky Business

2010-09-06T21:32:00.002-04:00

Teachers are not surgeons who can save or end a life during an operation.
Teachers are not lawyers who can present a case that sends someone to prison or sets them free.
Teachers are not Police officers who can protect those who can't protect themselves.
Teachers are not pilots who are responsible for the transportation of many people.

Instead teachers are people that parents trust to provide a safe, nurturing, learning environment. Parents trust teachers to love their kids. Parent trust teachers to provide guidance and structure to their kids. Parents trust that teachers know what they are doing. Parents trust teachers to help their children grow into the best they can be. Parents trust that teachers will do what is best for their kid.

For a teacher to do what a parent is trusting (depending on, counting on, hoping for) them to do requires the teacher to "have" those kids. Those students become the teacher's kids. It isn't just showing up in the morning and putting on a show. It isn't planning lesson and then carrying them out. It isn't using the right textbook, giving the right assignment, writing a good test question.

Teaching the way parents hope we will is building a family in the classroom. Teaching this was is building a place where each student is loved and accepted. Teaching this way is building a place where each kid can flourish. Teaching this way is exhausting.

Teaching this way can't happen when things are unstable, just like unstable families have a huge challenge in providing a good environment for their kids. Teaching this way can't happen when the family gets so big that you can't know each student. Teaching this way can't happen without rest.

As students and teachers return to school, I hope that teachers have had a restfully and recharging summer. I hope that the teachers returning are ready to meet their new families.

Teachers may not end or save a life on an operating table, but they do save lives.
Teachers may not work in court rooms, but they do set people free (or imprison them).
Teachers may not carry guns or handcuffs, but they do (should) protect those who can't protect themselves.
Teachers may not fly planes, but they are responsible for the safely transporting students through more than just the air.

Leaving on a jet plane

2010-03-04T15:28:00.002-05:00

But i know when I'll be back again.
This morning when I dropped jaely off she had no clue that i wouldn't be picking he up. She was happy to start her day with Miss Amber and left me standing in the entry way. As I walked out the door i started to miss her imediately. I feel unteathered and I'm not sure I like it.
I spent many nights away from home in the last 2 years, but I wasn't the primary homeworker then. I am going to miss the routine of pickng up Jaely, being a family, having dinner together, and putting Jaely to bed for the few days (and I'm not reallnsure why I am going to this training).
I am surprised that I feel this way. (I know everything will be fine at home, but I want to b there.) I guess I draw more o my identity from what I do then I thought I did.

What are they thinking

2010-02-26T21:05:00.002-05:00

This week I one of my students had her baby. I am excited for her. I have known this girl for 4 years. I got phone calls from her when she moved to Detroit and then to Pontiac. She was excited to be back this fall. She is good kid. She has a lot of potential. Her daughter is going to be blessed by having her as a mom. I like this kid.
Yes, she is a kid and now she has a kid. It is not the best situation, but it is what it is.
I have had students every year I have taught that have been pregnant, given birth during the school year, and/or already have little ones. I have students whose parents are my age. (This year I had a student call me "papa". I told him that I am not old enough to be his papa. His reply let me know I am older than his mom. It was hard for me to keep my jaw from dropping. I also had a student try to set me up with her mom.) This isn't ideal, but it is.
I have been tormented by this since I began teaching. My first year teaching 10 graders I had a student tell me that she was pregnant. She was looking for guidance and I had very little to offer. The following year I had a 9th grader that gave birth to her son just before Thanksgiving. The next year a girl almost couldn't graduate because she missed so much school taking her son to the doctors (while a football player missed more school and had everyone advocating for him). A few years ago I knew of 2 girls that didn't graduate because they were pregnant. One of them graduated from that group from the alternative program - I was so happy for her. This year I have had a pregnant student in each class - 4 classes, 4 girls - that will give birth before they graduate.
My heart breaks for these girls and their kids. I think most of them know how difficult their lives will be. Most of them were (are) raised in similar circumstances. My heart breaks even more. I know that in a few more years I will see the kids of my students. My heart will break for them. These kids are not doomed, far from it. Some of the most successful students I know come from this type background. Still, my heart breaks for them.
So back to the present situation... the student who gave birth to her beautiful daughter on Monday came into school today. She came in because next week is exam week. She wanted to know when and how she could take her exam. I told her that I was going to freeze her grade as of last Friday and that I would excuse her exam. Her response was that she wished the other teachers would do the same thing.
Why aren't the other teachers like that? Do they feel the need to punish this girl for her choices? Are they trying to make her more responsible by forcing her to take her exam?
My heart is broken for this new mom and her precious daughter. Good luck ladies, may you find the support and love you need.

amazed

2009-05-22T19:59:00.002-04:00

I have been reading "The scientist in the crib: What early learning tells us about the mind" since winter and I have just started listening to Radio Lab. I am amazed. Humans are so unique and so complex and every time there seems to be an answer, it leads to 13 more questions. Just the simple fact that we can ask questions and seek out answers is amazing.
I don't have the energy to be eloquent or polished about this, but WOW! Science may be the most creative expression of human nature. Not to insult all the more traditional artists, I respect you greatly for what you can do, but science rocks!

A case of the Mondays

2009-01-05T07:19:00.002-05:00

I don't fully awaken until I arrive at school. Showering, dressing, packing a lunch, and (frighteningly) driving to school are all done automatically. As I passed the administration building I thought "Wow its is very dark, everyone must be having a hard time getting up this morning". As I pulled in my parking spot I was thankful to find salt had been spread and was again surprised at how few cars were there. (I am one of the early ones to school, but I am very rarely the first.) I walked to the door I normally go in and upon finding it locked thought "Wow, even the custodians are running late this morning". I than walked over to the main door and it too was locked. Then and only then did I even consider that school was closed. Silly me!

Q-Tips

2008-12-22T21:30:00.003-05:00

Lindsey and I love to clean our ears with Q-Tips. Lindsey introduced me to the supreme Q-tip - the wooden stick. I have even developed the need to lick the Q-Tip before using it. Sometimes I only need to use one end of the Q-Tip to clean out an ear. The dilemma is what way to put the Q-Tip back into the jar. Do you put the used side down or the used side up?

what were they thinking

2008-12-12T18:05:00.002-05:00

Today there was a meeting at school for students that are "at-risk." On characteristic of an at-risk student is poor attendance. They invited students to this assembly by delivering passes to the students in class. I had a hard time not laughing when I was asked to give an invitation to this meeting to a student I have not met. I hope they are going to try something different to reach these kids.

I have been bogged down this year with work related to my job, but not exactly my responsibility. When I interviewed for the assistant principal job I guess I sent the message that I want to work in the school, but outside of the classroom. In some ways that is correct. I want to make school a place that works for students. I get that done in my classroom (although never to my satisfaction), but I want the whole school to work. I hope its worth it. Schools don't work and everyone pays the price.

Interesting

2008-11-04T23:15:00.002-05:00

I am watching the fox news coverage of the election results just to see what is being said. I just Carl (Karl?) Rove say that Obama was elected because most people have forgotten that there was a civil rights movement. He stated that "we have come so far..." in the recent years that people have forgotten that there was once a need for great social change.
I don't buy this. I think the correlation between "minority" and "low-income" shows that we haven't really come that far. I hear stories from students about being told to "go back to their neighborhood" and asked if they think the blacks are taking over the city (of Muskegon). I find it frightening that someone would say there is a racial gap in this country.
The election of a minority president will bring many opportunities for interesting conversations.

What should I be doing?

2008-07-18T22:43:00.004-04:00

Whatever I am doing, I often feel like I should be doing something else. Here are some examples:
When grading papers, I think I should be making lesson plans
When making lesson plans, I think I should be grading papers
When sleeping, I think I should be awake
When awake, I think I should be sleeping
When lecturing in class, I think we should be doing an activity
When doing an activity in class, I think I should be lecturing
When watching TV, I should be reading, sleeping, doing yard chores, blogging, checking my emails, ...
When working on Jaely's built-in, I should be spending time with Lins and Jaely

Lindsey has been asking me (not nagging as she claims) to post about the built-ins progress. I finally completed the Katamino level I was working on while she was blogging and its not quite time to feed Jaely yet, so here is an update:

Before last year, I would never describe myself as "creative." Creative people have always left me awestruck. I realized through working on the built-in project that I am creative. I have heard that science is a creative endeavor, and now I see what that means. Through working on this project and thinking about how scientific knowledge is built, I understand that to be creative is part of being human. Anyways, on to the progress...

The dresser started as a stack on cherry boards that were sorted, selected, and milled to the proper sizes. I spent a few weekends this winter working on that. After the boards were the right size and flat, the joints had to been laid out. Then came the cutting and fitting of the joints. Much of the winter was spent on this work. The result was a stack of pieces that needed to be put together to make the dresser/changing table skeleton.
I did not spend much time working on this project between the end of March and the middle of June. Although getting this done is important, something seemed to swallow up every spare moment. The next step was to get the all the pieces lined up. This drive Lindsey nuts because it goes together and comes apart about 5 times before I am ready to attach all the parts together.
Once everything was attached, I started the finishing process. This involved lots of scraping and sanding and looking and feeling and then more sanding. Next I started the finish with Danish oil
Now I have t0 wait a few days for the oil to dry before then urethane can go on. I still have to make the drawers (I started sorting the lumber for those today before our trip to GH and the Katamino distraction). The continous hinge for the toy box/window seat arrived today so now I can fix the mistake I made there. Overall, the project is getting close to done. It won't be really done until the carpet is tacked back done and the trim is replaced, so we will see...

Summer Time

2008-07-09T22:14:00.005-04:00

Today we made a great trip to the Montague Farmers market and returned with tastes of summer.I love the way strawberries are sweet but tart. Michigan berries are always so much more flavorful than ones shipped in from far away. I especially love eating the slightly bruised and damaged berries. What is about bruises that bring the best out of things?

I have been given an interesting question to ponder: Would a propeller work in outer space? I think I have an answer, but I need to reconcile the propeller idea with the technology of solar sails.

Freezer Disaster

2008-07-08T22:38:00.001-04:00

I have been withholding this story for about a month. It was too painful to tell, but I have healed enough to share this...

The story starts with my inability to wait for a can of soda to cool off in the fridge. Instead I placed the can in the freezer and...
The worst part isn't that I never drank the Cherry Coke Zero. The worst part is that I discovered the explosion of soda in the freezer as we were leaving for my parents house for the weekend. I hastily scooped the can and some of the frozen pop out and left most of the mess to clean up when we returned. When we returned I found that the freezer door was slightly ajar. To make a long story short: not only did the soda get cleaned out of the freezer, but I had a chance to go through alot of old frozen food and I even got to throw out some newly frozen food as well. There is nothing like arriving at home after a 3 hour drive and spending the next 2 hours cleaning out a defrosted freezer.

Hopefully I have learned my lesson.

Lindsey speak

2008-07-01T17:28:00.002-04:00

Occasionally, really more often than you think, Lindsey uses the wrong word in a sentence. The funniest part is that she often doesn't realize what she has done until I give a blank stare. Here are some examples:
Oh look, that strip mall is getting a lampshade.
She sudafeds water in some recipes.
I need to empty that garbage soon anyway, its full of dynamite.

Something to make you wonder

2008-05-29T21:40:00.003-04:00

This is my breakfast from Thursday morning. This picture was take at 9 PM Thursday night. Yeah, that sums up my week so far.

Laws

2008-05-09T22:32:00.002-04:00

I don't get it. I understand much of the science on how and why the human body works the way it does, but I still don't get it. At one point in my life I was sure that everything could be reduced to a set of logic laws. Not laws as in rules, but scientific/mathematical laws. Thankfully that system of understanding failed me and I know in my head that life is far too complex to be governed by a set of laws no matter how complex the laws are. But at the core of my being I am always searching for laws to govern at least parts of my life.
Each change in my life has brought this search for laws to the surface in different ways: High School, Church, College(s), Leaving Home, Getting Married, Teaching, and now Parenting have each revealed the search for laws on a different plane.
I cannot (and will never be able to) comprehend how a baby grows from 2 cells into a complete human being. I know the science, but to know that all those laws work to knit a person together is unfathomable. And that's just thinking about the physical parts of a person. Where does the personality come from? How does Jaely know what she knows (and what exactly does she know)?
So back to the laws/rules idea: Even though I know that life is too complex for laws/rules, I still want them. I want the same actions on my part to have the same reactions for Jaely. I want to be able to predict that she will do Y when I do X. Instead I find that Jaely does M, N, and/or O when I do X. Oh well, I knew that the laws were never going to work anyway, but it is still a shock to find that they don't.
At the end of each day I am thankful that meaning in my life no longer comes from laws, but from the complexity of relationships.

Long Time, No Posts

2008-03-31T16:51:00.002-04:00

So its been a while since I have sat down to put thoughts up here, that doesn't mean I haven't had any. Much of my creative energy has gone into my job and creating the furniture for Jaelynne's room. I always thought that I am not a creative person, but I was confusing "creative" with "artistic". I still don't think I am a very artistic person.
I decided to post today because I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am not an emotional person, but arrival of Jaely has done something to me. I know that every adjective to describe my feelings are woefully inadequate. I know I have been blessed by God with an awesome gift, but also an awesome responsibility. I don't feel that I am worthy of the gift or capable of meeting the responsibility. This has left me even more emotionally raw.
I just witnessed a beautiful sight: Lindsey, Jaely, and Grandma (or Nana) all asleep making wonderful little sighs/snores.
God, thanks for the beautiful, sweet, delicate, and strong girls in my life.

The rest of the story

2007-11-20T21:30:00.000-05:00

At Daniel's Prompting, here is the rest of the story:
I got home from school hoping to be there to load Lindsey's scrapbooking materials in her car. Instead I got home in time to get her call. For some mysterious reason, she couldn't get the key to turn in the ignition. I gave her the suggestion of turning the steering wheel to "unlock" the ignition and told her that I would drive up to doctor's office if I didn't see her soon. I thought "I better leave right now" as soon as I hung up the phone, so I did. I soon arrived in the parking lot just before Lindsey starting kicking her car. Within 1 minute I had the car started and we were ready to go.
I had forgot that Lindsey is an excellent direction follower. She knew to turn the wheel, but had never been told to turn the wheel and the key at the same time. So, now we have cell phones and Lindsey has a new direction to follow.
I am reluctant to post this because I love the way Lindsey attacks the world. I love her innocence and her confidence that I can fix almost anything. I will end this post by sharing with all of you that Lindsey once received a similar phone call from her mom.
Her mom was stranded at school because she could not get the key to turn in her car. Lindsey, George(her stepdad), and I drove to Lynne's school to try to fix the problem. The drive to the school was about an hour and we spent another hour trying to get the key to turn. This was not the same problem. It ends up that Lynne's gargantuan key ring had stressed the ignition to the point that I would no longer turn. The car had to be towed and fitted with a new ignition (Not a cheap thing). From then on Lindsey and her mom were very careful about the size of their key rings.

Step 1 completed

2007-11-04T00:01:00.000-04:00

I have finally finished the first part of getting the nursery built-ins done. The silly thing is this isn't even going in the house and the little one may never appreciate it. Oh well, it was a good learning experience and will serve me well for a long time.

The legs and stretchers are made from 8/4 and 12/4 maple (20 bdft of each). I am really happy with how my bandsaw cut through the thick stock. The top is a butcher block work surface that is 24" wide and 8 feet long. It is 2 1/4 inches thick and weighs alot (it was really fun to get out of the car).

The left end has the vise. The vise is the part I am the least happy with. It was darn near impossible to get it even, straight, and square. In the end it is pretty close, but I will always know it is uneven.

I had to re-arrange the garage stuff to make everything fit. I was able to fit all the wood for the project under the bench. It gave it even more mass to keep it stable. I have the sheet stock standing up against the wall so Lindsey can hopefully park her car in the garage when the snow comes.

The next step is to prep the room, and then the real fun begins.

Into the Wild

2007-09-30T22:58:00.001-04:00

I just finished re-reading one of my favorite books (if you read this for long enough you may notice that every book i finish becomes my favorite). Into the Wild is a wonderful look at life. I would say it is far superior to Wild at Heart and addresses many of the same ideas.
I had to finish the book tonight because tomorrow is October 1. It would have been Lynne's 60th birthday. I remember telling her and Lindsey about this book when I read it the first time. Lynne read it right away and then read it to her high school English classes.
I really miss Lynne and the house on Echo. I miss her cough and her smell. I miss coming in the door to a one armed hug because the other hand was holding a cigarette. I miss the constant pouring and making of coffee. I miss being told "you have to have gravy on it!" I miss little bowls of seasonal candy (especially gummy hearts at Valentines Day). I miss her smile when her nose wrinkled up and her eyes squinted. I miss driving her car to the airport to get Jason for the Holidays. I miss the whole family being together and the "hell" Jered and Jason would give Lindsey (they still do that and it is still hard to not join in). I miss apple pies, chocolate cookies, gravy, stuffing, broccoli and chicken. I miss 8 chefs in a kitchen built for 1 and loving every minute of it. I miss being told to "Go look at the garden" when first arriving and the hope for a quick return when leaving.
As the arrival of baby Ellis gets closer and closer, it seems impossible that Lynne never had the chance to be Grandma Lynne. It definitely would have suited her.

Amazing

2007-09-21T21:35:00.000-04:00

As I unloaded wood from the truck today I thought how strange it is that these things that grow in the ground, give us shade, drop acorns in my truck and leaves on the lawn can be turned into furniture. My wood order was delivered from Charlotte. The wood is beautiful. Pics can be found an the baby ellis blog. Here is a picture of the "shop" and the maple that will become my woodworking bench. Only 186 working nights left!

PS: a 20 bdft hunk of 12/4 maple is very heavy and impossible to rip by yourself.

There's a giraffe in my driveway

2007-09-12T21:52:00.000-04:00

I came home from school yesterday and tried to park in the driveway, but someone had beat me there. I could believe but there was a stinkin' giraffe right where I usually park. You will be sad to know that it wasn't a REAL giraffe. It was one of facsimile giraffes that Lindsey has collected. We have been looking for a new home for this guy because his old home is being turned into a nursery for baby Ellis. I will be laughing about the giraffe in my driveway for weeks to come!

The journey to belong

2007-08-16T00:56:00.000-04:00

the need to belong is the driving force behind so many of my actions. I am blessed to have had places to belong that have not required much effort on my part. Even in the times when I was convinced that I was unwanted and isolated, I was eventually pulled back to the places I belonged before I made an unfortunate and life ending decision.
I just finished pictures of hollis woods by Patricia Reilly Giff. What an amazing story of one girls journey (I'll try not to ruin it for those who read it). This reminds me of the importance of loving the "un-lovables" and that we are never so broken that we can't be repaired.

End of Summer

2007-08-08T23:23:00.000-04:00

I know that school doesn't start until September...
I know that summer has been a great time to rejuvenate...
But I am not ready to start back.
I really need to get going on school things so this year can have a smooth start, but I am not looking forward to my job this year.
I am excited to meet my new students. I am excited when I think about all the learning and growing that I will be apart of this year. I am not excited to bring all this stress back into my mind.
I am thankful for my job, but the responsibilities seem overwhelming.
All right, Physics, Astronomy, Webpage Design, here I come.

Fun Music

2007-08-02T11:49:00.000-04:00

I was in Schuler Books a couple of weeks ago. I always wander through the music section. I heard this cd of guitar music playing and had to check it out. It is one of the best albums i have ever listened to: Rodrigo Y Gabriela

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Empathy Sucks!!

2007-07-25T00:21:00.000-04:00

I am getting frustrated by my empathy while at the same time I am thankful for it. There was a time, not too long ago, that i decided feelings were all worthless and just got the way of the truth. I didn't know what that truth was, but I was sure that they just got in the way. Unfortunatly, this meant all people we unimportant because any relationships involved feelings, and that was counterproductive. I am pretty sure that my interest in Physics was fueled by this belief. Thankfully God continued to seek me as a ran from him yelling over my shoulder to leave my alone.

I understand now that truth (and life) can only exist in relationships that deal with feelings. I wish that instead of being able to understand the connections between people's feelings and the actions/events in their lives that I could fix some of the broken junk. I wish I could sacrifice some empathy (heck all of it) for some action.

Celldweller

2007-07-01T23:44:00.000-04:00

This song had captured my attention.

Events

2007-07-01T23:13:00.001-04:00

Watching movies and reading books always affect me. Right now I am reading A Picture of Hollis Woods and I just finished watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Both things made me think about how events can make life seem impossible to deal with, but life just keeps going.

It is my hope that the brokenness experienced in life doesn't contribute to the shadows of life, but reminds me that there is a loving God. The shadows only exist because of the light of life coming from God.

I don't know if this will ever be seen by other people, it is so hard to capture thoughts and feelings in writing. This is good to do just for me.

Faith To Be Strong from "Carried Along"
Words by Andrew Peterson

Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong

fullfillment

2006-11-05T23:40:00.000-05:00

Had a great night tonight. I love our friends. Ang's emptiness posts have struck me this week. It has been nice to see someone else struggling with emptiness even when they have so much meaning and fullness in what they do every day. (I don't mean nice in that I wish anyone to have these type of days/weeks...)
Maybe we feel empty because we pour all of ourselves into other people and we forget to refill. we get so busy that we forget silence and peace and calm and REST. Then when we are so completely empty we can hardly move, we feel guilty that we need to be refilled.
I know I forget how to refilled. I seek fullfillment in the wrong things. Sometimes I even think that the thing that is emptying me can fill me. Its a lie, but I believe it. If only I do this or help this person or grade this stack of papers or write better lessons or listen better to my wife or had more advice to give people, then I would be refilled.
I realized tonight that I have been expecting to be magically fullfilled by God. I have been expecting God to grant my half-hearted, exhausted, last-minute demands to be filled. I haven't done anything to seek Him. I haven't been listening for Him during the day. I haven't been seeking wisdom and learning in His word. I have been running and waiting for God to give me a second wind.
I don't know if I am the only person doing this, but I doubt I am. Why is it that we know we have to work for so many things, but we expect God to be there and fill us without any effort from our side. Don't get me wrong, I know God is there all the time. He is always present and listening, but He loves me enough to let me make my own choices.
It seems right to us that our worldly choices have worldly consequences, then why shouldn't our spiritual choices have spiritual consequences?

God,
Rend my heart! Show me the path to fullfillment. remind me of your desire for my life.

Exhausting

2006-10-30T21:40:00.000-05:00

I don't know how people can live. Our world is so broken there doesn't seem to be any chance for anything good. seeing the pain the lives of teenagers makes me realize that everything good must come from God because it sure doesn't come from other people. The pain seems to be overwhelming:
the teenage girl who has lost her mom and dad before graduation
the girl who is abused and can't get out
the boy who doesn't see any future other than the streets
the high school students who can't read
the kid who is raised by a grandma because mom does more harm than good
girls who see their only value as a sex object to boys
boys who seek value in treating girls like property to be used
kids who don't have a warm place to sleep
kids who don't have enough to eat

it goes on and on and on and on...
God, please work through me to show you to these people. Please be my desire and fire as I serve you in their lives.

Bittersweet

2006-05-24T11:18:00.000-04:00

This is a bittersweet week. Monday and Tuesday were the last days for seniors. I am happy for them to be done with school (i am also happy becuase i have fewer classes to teach). I am sad becuase it means they are done with school and I have fewer classes to teach. Some of them will go on the great and wonderful things. They have seen the value of hard work in their lives and have some idea of things that want and what they should avoid. Others will leave school with the feeling that the world owes them something, and they are out to collect it. I am frightened for these children. I hope that they have strong supports to catch them when they fall.

Have you ever ...

2006-05-22T02:38:00.000-04:00

Have you ever felt like if you could just throw up, then you would feel better? Or maybe, if I could just get a good night's sleep, then everything would be better in the morning.

What do you do if you do throw up, and you still feel like crap?