fullfillment

Had a great night tonight. I love our friends. Ang's emptiness posts have struck me this week. It has been nice to see someone else struggling with emptiness even when they have so much meaning and fullness in what they do every day. (I don't mean nice in that I wish anyone to have these type of days/weeks...)
Maybe we feel empty because we pour all of ourselves into other people and we forget to refill. we get so busy that we forget silence and peace and calm and REST. Then when we are so completely empty we can hardly move, we feel guilty that we need to be refilled.
I know I forget how to refilled. I seek fullfillment in the wrong things. Sometimes I even think that the thing that is emptying me can fill me. Its a lie, but I believe it. If only I do this or help this person or grade this stack of papers or write better lessons or listen better to my wife or had more advice to give people, then I would be refilled.
I realized tonight that I have been expecting to be magically fullfilled by God. I have been expecting God to grant my half-hearted, exhausted, last-minute demands to be filled. I haven't done anything to seek Him. I haven't been listening for Him during the day. I haven't been seeking wisdom and learning in His word. I have been running and waiting for God to give me a second wind.
I don't know if I am the only person doing this, but I doubt I am. Why is it that we know we have to work for so many things, but we expect God to be there and fill us without any effort from our side. Don't get me wrong, I know God is there all the time. He is always present and listening, but He loves me enough to let me make my own choices.
It seems right to us that our worldly choices have worldly consequences, then why shouldn't our spiritual choices have spiritual consequences?

God,
Rend my heart! Show me the path to fullfillment. remind me of your desire for my life.

Exhausting

I don't know how people can live. Our world is so broken there doesn't seem to be any chance for anything good. seeing the pain the lives of teenagers makes me realize that everything good must come from God because it sure doesn't come from other people. The pain seems to be overwhelming:
the teenage girl who has lost her mom and dad before graduation
the girl who is abused and can't get out
the boy who doesn't see any future other than the streets
the high school students who can't read
the kid who is raised by a grandma because mom does more harm than good
girls who see their only value as a sex object to boys
boys who seek value in treating girls like property to be used
kids who don't have a warm place to sleep
kids who don't have enough to eat


it goes on and on and on and on...
God, please work through me to show you to these people. Please be my desire and fire as I serve you in their lives.

Bittersweet

This is a bittersweet week. Monday and Tuesday were the last days for seniors. I am happy for them to be done with school (i am also happy becuase i have fewer classes to teach). I am sad becuase it means they are done with school and I have fewer classes to teach. Some of them will go on the great and wonderful things. They have seen the value of hard work in their lives and have some idea of things that want and what they should avoid. Others will leave school with the feeling that the world owes them something, and they are out to collect it. I am frightened for these children. I hope that they have strong supports to catch them when they fall.

Have you ever ...

Have you ever felt like if you could just throw up, then you would feel better? Or maybe, if I could just get a good night's sleep, then everything would be better in the morning.

What do you do if you do throw up, and you still feel like crap?