Something to make you wonder

This is my breakfast from Thursday morning. This picture was take at 9 PM Thursday night. Yeah, that sums up my week so far.

Laws

I don't get it. I understand much of the science on how and why the human body works the way it does, but I still don't get it. At one point in my life I was sure that everything could be reduced to a set of logic laws. Not laws as in rules, but scientific/mathematical laws. Thankfully that system of understanding failed me and I know in my head that life is far too complex to be governed by a set of laws no matter how complex the laws are. But at the core of my being I am always searching for laws to govern at least parts of my life.
Each change in my life has brought this search for laws to the surface in different ways: High School, Church, College(s), Leaving Home, Getting Married, Teaching, and now Parenting have each revealed the search for laws on a different plane.
I cannot (and will never be able to) comprehend how a baby grows from 2 cells into a complete human being. I know the science, but to know that all those laws work to knit a person together is unfathomable. And that's just thinking about the physical parts of a person. Where does the personality come from? How does Jaely know what she knows (and what exactly does she know)?
So back to the laws/rules idea: Even though I know that life is too complex for laws/rules, I still want them. I want the same actions on my part to have the same reactions for Jaely. I want to be able to predict that she will do Y when I do X. Instead I find that Jaely does M, N, and/or O when I do X. Oh well, I knew that the laws were never going to work anyway, but it is still a shock to find that they don't.
At the end of each day I am thankful that meaning in my life no longer comes from laws, but from the complexity of relationships.

Long Time, No Posts

So its been a while since I have sat down to put thoughts up here, that doesn't mean I haven't had any. Much of my creative energy has gone into my job and creating the furniture for Jaelynne's room. I always thought that I am not a creative person, but I was confusing "creative" with "artistic". I still don't think I am a very artistic person.
I decided to post today because I am overwhelmed with feelings. I am not an emotional person, but arrival of Jaely has done something to me. I know that every adjective to describe my feelings are woefully inadequate. I know I have been blessed by God with an awesome gift, but also an awesome responsibility. I don't feel that I am worthy of the gift or capable of meeting the responsibility. This has left me even more emotionally raw.
I just witnessed a beautiful sight: Lindsey, Jaely, and Grandma (or Nana) all asleep making wonderful little sighs/snores.
God, thanks for the beautiful, sweet, delicate, and strong girls in my life.

The rest of the story

At Daniel's Prompting, here is the rest of the story:
I got home from school hoping to be there to load Lindsey's scrapbooking materials in her car. Instead I got home in time to get her call. For some mysterious reason, she couldn't get the key to turn in the ignition. I gave her the suggestion of turning the steering wheel to "unlock" the ignition and told her that I would drive up to doctor's office if I didn't see her soon. I thought "I better leave right now" as soon as I hung up the phone, so I did. I soon arrived in the parking lot just before Lindsey starting kicking her car. Within 1 minute I had the car started and we were ready to go.
I had forgot that Lindsey is an excellent direction follower. She knew to turn the wheel, but had never been told to turn the wheel and the key at the same time. So, now we have cell phones and Lindsey has a new direction to follow.
I am reluctant to post this because I love the way Lindsey attacks the world. I love her innocence and her confidence that I can fix almost anything. I will end this post by sharing with all of you that Lindsey once received a similar phone call from her mom.
Her mom was stranded at school because she could not get the key to turn in her car. Lindsey, George(her stepdad), and I drove to Lynne's school to try to fix the problem. The drive to the school was about an hour and we spent another hour trying to get the key to turn. This was not the same problem. It ends up that Lynne's gargantuan key ring had stressed the ignition to the point that I would no longer turn. The car had to be towed and fitted with a new ignition (Not a cheap thing). From then on Lindsey and her mom were very careful about the size of their key rings.

Step 1 completed

I have finally finished the first part of getting the nursery built-ins done. The silly thing is this isn't even going in the house and the little one may never appreciate it. Oh well, it was a good learning experience and will serve me well for a long time.

The legs and stretchers are made from 8/4 and 12/4 maple (20 bdft of each). I am really happy with how my bandsaw cut through the thick stock. The top is a butcher block work surface that is 24" wide and 8 feet long. It is 2 1/4 inches thick and weighs alot (it was really fun to get out of the car).

The left end has the vise. The vise is the part I am the least happy with. It was darn near impossible to get it even, straight, and square. In the end it is pretty close, but I will always know it is uneven.

I had to re-arrange the garage stuff to make everything fit. I was able to fit all the wood for the project under the bench. It gave it even more mass to keep it stable. I have the sheet stock standing up against the wall so Lindsey can hopefully park her car in the garage when the snow comes.

The next step is to prep the room, and then the real fun begins.

Into the Wild

I just finished re-reading one of my favorite books (if you read this for long enough you may notice that every book i finish becomes my favorite). Into the Wild is a wonderful look at life. I would say it is far superior to Wild at Heart and addresses many of the same ideas.
I had to finish the book tonight because tomorrow is October 1. It would have been Lynne's 60th birthday. I remember telling her and Lindsey about this book when I read it the first time. Lynne read it right away and then read it to her high school English classes.
I really miss Lynne and the house on Echo. I miss her cough and her smell. I miss coming in the door to a one armed hug because the other hand was holding a cigarette. I miss the constant pouring and making of coffee. I miss being told "you have to have gravy on it!" I miss little bowls of seasonal candy (especially gummy hearts at Valentines Day). I miss her smile when her nose wrinkled up and her eyes squinted. I miss driving her car to the airport to get Jason for the Holidays. I miss the whole family being together and the "hell" Jered and Jason would give Lindsey (they still do that and it is still hard to not join in). I miss apple pies, chocolate cookies, gravy, stuffing, broccoli and chicken. I miss 8 chefs in a kitchen built for 1 and loving every minute of it. I miss being told to "Go look at the garden" when first arriving and the hope for a quick return when leaving.
As the arrival of baby Ellis gets closer and closer, it seems impossible that Lynne never had the chance to be Grandma Lynne. It definitely would have suited her.

Amazing

As I unloaded wood from the truck today I thought how strange it is that these things that grow in the ground, give us shade, drop acorns in my truck and leaves on the lawn can be turned into furniture. My wood order was delivered from Charlotte. The wood is beautiful. Pics can be found an the baby ellis blog. Here is a picture of the "shop" and the maple that will become my woodworking bench. Only 186 working nights left!



PS: a 20 bdft hunk of 12/4 maple is very heavy and impossible to rip by yourself.

There's a giraffe in my driveway

I came home from school yesterday and tried to park in the driveway, but someone had beat me there. I could believe but there was a stinkin' giraffe right where I usually park. You will be sad to know that it wasn't a REAL giraffe. It was one of facsimile giraffes that Lindsey has collected. We have been looking for a new home for this guy because his old home is being turned into a nursery for baby Ellis. I will be laughing about the giraffe in my driveway for weeks to come!

The journey to belong

the need to belong is the driving force behind so many of my actions. I am blessed to have had places to belong that have not required much effort on my part. Even in the times when I was convinced that I was unwanted and isolated, I was eventually pulled back to the places I belonged before I made an unfortunate and life ending decision.
I just finished pictures of hollis woods by Patricia Reilly Giff. What an amazing story of one girls journey (I'll try not to ruin it for those who read it). This reminds me of the importance of loving the "un-lovables" and that we are never so broken that we can't be repaired.

End of Summer

I know that school doesn't start until September...
I know that summer has been a great time to rejuvenate...
But I am not ready to start back.
I really need to get going on school things so this year can have a smooth start, but I am not looking forward to my job this year.
I am excited to meet my new students. I am excited when I think about all the learning and growing that I will be apart of this year. I am not excited to bring all this stress back into my mind.
I am thankful for my job, but the responsibilities seem overwhelming.
All right, Physics, Astronomy, Webpage Design, here I come.

Fun Music

I was in Schuler Books a couple of weeks ago. I always wander through the music section. I heard this cd of guitar music playing and had to check it out. It is one of the best albums i have ever listened to: Rodrigo Y Gabriela

Empathy Sucks!!

I am getting frustrated by my empathy while at the same time I am thankful for it. There was a time, not too long ago, that i decided feelings were all worthless and just got the way of the truth. I didn't know what that truth was, but I was sure that they just got in the way. Unfortunatly, this meant all people we unimportant because any relationships involved feelings, and that was counterproductive. I am pretty sure that my interest in Physics was fueled by this belief. Thankfully God continued to seek me as a ran from him yelling over my shoulder to leave my alone.

I understand now that truth (and life) can only exist in relationships that deal with feelings. I wish that instead of being able to understand the connections between people's feelings and the actions/events in their lives that I could fix some of the broken junk. I wish I could sacrifice some empathy (heck all of it) for some action.

Celldweller

This song had captured my attention.

Events

Watching movies and reading books always affect me. Right now I am reading A Picture of Hollis Woods and I just finished watching Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Both things made me think about how events can make life seem impossible to deal with, but life just keeps going.

It is my hope that the brokenness experienced in life doesn't contribute to the shadows of life, but reminds me that there is a loving God. The shadows only exist because of the light of life coming from God.

I don't know if this will ever be seen by other people, it is so hard to capture thoughts and feelings in writing. This is good to do just for me.


Faith To Be Strong from "Carried Along"
Words by Andrew Peterson

Give us faith to be strong
Father, we are so weak
Our bodies are fragile and weary
As we stagger and stumble to walk where you lead
Give us faith to be strong

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us peace when we're torn
Mend us up when we break
This flesh can be wounded and shaking
When there's much too much trouble for one heart to take
Give us peace when we're torn

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong

Give us hearts to find hope
Father, we cannot see
How the sorrow we feel can bring freedom
And as hard as we try, Lord, it's hard to believe
So, give us hearts to find hope

Give us faith to be strong
Give us strength to be faithful
This life is not long, but it's hard
Give us grace to go on
Make us willing and able
Lord, give us faith to be strong
Give us peace when we're torn
Give us faith, faith to be strong

fullfillment

Had a great night tonight. I love our friends. Ang's emptiness posts have struck me this week. It has been nice to see someone else struggling with emptiness even when they have so much meaning and fullness in what they do every day. (I don't mean nice in that I wish anyone to have these type of days/weeks...)
Maybe we feel empty because we pour all of ourselves into other people and we forget to refill. we get so busy that we forget silence and peace and calm and REST. Then when we are so completely empty we can hardly move, we feel guilty that we need to be refilled.
I know I forget how to refilled. I seek fullfillment in the wrong things. Sometimes I even think that the thing that is emptying me can fill me. Its a lie, but I believe it. If only I do this or help this person or grade this stack of papers or write better lessons or listen better to my wife or had more advice to give people, then I would be refilled.
I realized tonight that I have been expecting to be magically fullfilled by God. I have been expecting God to grant my half-hearted, exhausted, last-minute demands to be filled. I haven't done anything to seek Him. I haven't been listening for Him during the day. I haven't been seeking wisdom and learning in His word. I have been running and waiting for God to give me a second wind.
I don't know if I am the only person doing this, but I doubt I am. Why is it that we know we have to work for so many things, but we expect God to be there and fill us without any effort from our side. Don't get me wrong, I know God is there all the time. He is always present and listening, but He loves me enough to let me make my own choices.
It seems right to us that our worldly choices have worldly consequences, then why shouldn't our spiritual choices have spiritual consequences?

God,
Rend my heart! Show me the path to fullfillment. remind me of your desire for my life.

Exhausting

I don't know how people can live. Our world is so broken there doesn't seem to be any chance for anything good. seeing the pain the lives of teenagers makes me realize that everything good must come from God because it sure doesn't come from other people. The pain seems to be overwhelming:
the teenage girl who has lost her mom and dad before graduation
the girl who is abused and can't get out
the boy who doesn't see any future other than the streets
the high school students who can't read
the kid who is raised by a grandma because mom does more harm than good
girls who see their only value as a sex object to boys
boys who seek value in treating girls like property to be used
kids who don't have a warm place to sleep
kids who don't have enough to eat


it goes on and on and on and on...
God, please work through me to show you to these people. Please be my desire and fire as I serve you in their lives.

Bittersweet

This is a bittersweet week. Monday and Tuesday were the last days for seniors. I am happy for them to be done with school (i am also happy becuase i have fewer classes to teach). I am sad becuase it means they are done with school and I have fewer classes to teach. Some of them will go on the great and wonderful things. They have seen the value of hard work in their lives and have some idea of things that want and what they should avoid. Others will leave school with the feeling that the world owes them something, and they are out to collect it. I am frightened for these children. I hope that they have strong supports to catch them when they fall.

Have you ever ...

Have you ever felt like if you could just throw up, then you would feel better? Or maybe, if I could just get a good night's sleep, then everything would be better in the morning.

What do you do if you do throw up, and you still feel like crap?